Oh Really?
by xxTurtlezRockxx
Summary: Damn those Mexicans, always up to something! Edited version of Allen's Mexican!


Allen's Mexican?

"I bet your ass that you won't get into Kanda's room." Lavi yelled ecstatically.

Allen looked at him, calmly, "Are you sure about that, Lavi?"

Lavi laughed, "Hell yeah, I'm sure!"

Allen said in a reassured tone, "Sure enough to bet me a whole years worth of food?"

Lavi sighed and looked at Allen like he should know the answer before saying, "Hell yeah! It's a deal!"

Kanda lifted his head in fear, as a shiver rolled down his spine. Somewhere in the world, someone is plotting against me, Kanda thought warily.

And so began the plot against Kanda and his sanity.

"Room Service." An old woman's high-pitched voice said through Kanda's closed door. Sounds fucking Mexican, Kanda thought angrily.

"I didn't order any. No thanks." Kanda said, only slightly curious.

"No, Senor Allen order soba for you. He say you love soba." Kanda got up, since Allen already paid for it there was no reason not to take it.

"Moyashi," Kanda grumbled as if it were a curse although he was already thinking of ways to thank the bean sprout for his gift without turning into a pansy.

He opened the door, holding out a hand expectantly for the plate of the meal he was expecting to

brighten his day. Instead a woman that was lumpy in very wrong places and had very large glasses on looked at Kanda. Thinking back, Kanda could swear that the woman looked evil. She had large reddish auburn hair. Maybe if he'd heeded his instincts everything could have been prevented, but hindsight is often 20/20, isn't it? Her hair could be described as a puffy mess and looked like it was done in a hurry. But Kanda was a fool not to notice her eyebrows were silvery white.

She had fake tan cheeks and what looked like a spray tan all over her body, "Bonita, eh?" She said in her high Mexican voice.

Despite her ear-damaging tone, her face had nice bone structure, very attractive really but vaguely familiar, "Where's the food, woman?" Kanda said in a deep commanding voice, trying to have a polite undertone with her. It's not her fault she was sent up here, of course, he thought. Kanda always had pure intentions, the poor bastard, which made the following so much more terrible.

"On the cart." She said and pushed the cart to the door.

"I'll just get the plate and you can take the cart." Kanda announced, only wishing to make her job slightly easier.

She shook her head furiously, rocking her Afro side to side. "No, I bring inside room and make sure you eat. Senor Allen tell me to."

Kanda growled, "I don't think so. Maybe you should just leave."

The Mexican woman smiled and Kanda caught himself thinking she was kind of handsome, "No, I stay." She said raucously. She forced the cart under Kanda's unsuspecting arm. She pushed it and dove beneath his arm only to be caught in the loop of Kanda's arm and thrown backwards. She fell and rolled until she hit the wall with her legs spread wide open and in the air.

Kanda stepped closer to her not nearly remorseful enough to help her up. "Are you okay?" He questioned in an uncaring tone. She covered her crotch but not before Kanda caught a glimpse of boxers and absurdly pale man legs. Sad when such a pretty face has go with a body like that, he thought. She jumped up smoothing her skirt over frantically.

"Me fine! Go to your room now? Yes! I go anyway!" The woman tried to storm over to Kanda's room before Kanda pulled out Mugen. Her way was blocked and her silver eyes were noticeable as her glasses slipped down her nose.

She grabbed the cart and turned around, running like the wind. "Get back here with my food, woman!"

As she ran, she couldn't help but yell, "You so fucking sexist! My name Penezuela, not woman! Bye, you ugly whore!"

Kanda growled and stalked after her, breaking into only the lightest of runs before he had already caught up with her. Her lumps were weighing her down, Kanda could tell from her well positioned running stance that she should've been faster than him but those lumps were liabilities. Apparently she noticed the same thing because she began to pull out various fruit from her bra and other places inside her overlarge dress.

"Rape!" She kept screaming as she ran down the hallways with Kanda always close at her heels swinging Mugen viciously. He couldn't really think why he was doing it, it was an empty threat. He just wanted her to give him the food, that's all.

Another fat lumpy woman appeared around the corner with a large cart and threw it directly at Penezuela. She didn't even hesitate, she jumped onto her cart and did a flip over the oncoming one and both carts, filled with piping hot food threw Kanda to the ground. The other fat woman spoke in a distinctly Russian voice. She had large gray hair but again Kanda was too much of a fool not to notice her eyebrows were red.

She had on horn rimmed glasses and gave Penzuela a high five and they both looked at Kanda, covered in food and said, "What now, bitch? Come get!" They taunted him.

The Russian one had the most beautiful green eyes and they seemed to mock Kanda. Kanda roared angrily and jumped out of the mess on the floor and the "women" hightailed it out of there screaming, "Rape! Rapist! Rapist!"

Suddenly it became apparent what the women were running towards, Lenalee stood at the end of one corridor and the women went to her, ranting some outrageous story about how Kanda tried to feel Penzuela up and Shnerkfa, the Russian woman, came to protect her. Then Kanda got angry and tried to force Penezuela into his room but then when she wouldn't go, he had a fit and threw their carts of food on the ground.

"Kanda!" Lenalee yelled. Kanda winced slightly. "The Order wouldn't really welcome any law suits courtesy of an Exorcist of such great prowess. The hell were you trying to do when you came onto this poor woman?" Kanda looked at the poor woman who was making sobbing sounds onto Shnerkfa's chest and smiling evilly at him. Shnerkfa seemed to be almost, smirking.

"Lenalee," he growled. "Shut up and listen. Why would come onto these old ugly cougars? That Mexican one was the one trying to get into my room! They banded together and threw the carts at me!"

Penezuela fanned herself as tears coursed down her cheeks saying, "He lie! He lie! He lie! Ay Dios mio! He can not handle his cojones!" Lenalee went to comfort the poor woman. Shnerkfa smiled evilly at Kanda and tended to her distressed friend.

"Are you really going to believe I'm into old ugly women?" Kanda roared loudly, the mere thought was insane. He could do much better.

Penezuela yelled, "Jesus Cristo! Now you try say I no bonita?" She fainted falling limp in Shnerkfa's arms.

"Kanda," Lenalee said seeing there was nothing she could do to stabilize the poor woman. "Go clean the mess you made and I don't want to see you back till you've cleaned it all." Kanda opened his mouth to protest against her but Lenalee shhed him. "Go!" Kanda put Mugen back and went to go clean, grumbling at the injustice of the world. There was no reason to fight this. Those two were obviously illegal immigrants and they were notoriously good at lying.

An hour later Kanda was still cleaning when he heard high-pitched voices and a sinking feeling filled his chest.

"Dumb asshole!" There was laughter, "So stupid!"

Kanda abandoned his job to find out what was going on. Suddenly the high voices went low, deep, and manly.

"Really man, you think Kanda would've caught on with how you were pulling out all that damn fruit." Lavi crowed wildly.

Allen chuckled, "He's ridiculous. How did he not notice my eyebrows didn't match my hair?" They're bodies quivered with laughter and they pulled off their wigs. Allen's beautiful hair fell, sparkling in the air, mussed and slightly unruly.

"You know never got into his room, right?" Lavi added and they both dissolved in laughter.

Lavi's already messed up hair looked perfectly normal as it fell from the headband under his wig. Allen threw the glasses on the floor and broke them and Lavi did the same. They shrugged off the dresses and stood there in their boxers in the non-gay way men have of doing. Allen shivered slightly in the cold air as Lavi did as well. They settled themselves onto the floor and Allen yawned stretching his limbs upward into the air. Kanda shivered involuntarily, looking at Allen's abs stretch and flex and staring at all the scars crisscrossing around on his chest. Kanda was momentarily put in trance.

"One thing though, he kept calling me Mexican. Do you maybe wanna bet he is too?" Allen said affably but not enough to keep from breaking Kanda's self-induced pause.

"Hell no, man. I had enough trouble with trying to get into his room. That's one bet that I regret. But it was so worth it. Although his hair reminds me of a Mexican, I bet he is." Lavi said warmly. They chuckled patting one another on the back.

"True, true." Allen conceded.

"I'm not Mexican!" Kanda roared, only half out of the shadows. Allen turned around with an expression of fear to see Kanda standing over him angrily. "K-k-kanda?" He stuttered out. Allen turned to see Lavi already long gone and jumped up and flew through the air. Kanda roared loudly and ran after the poor young men, unsheathing Mugen quickly.

Luckily Lenalee was around the corner and Allen and Lavi quickly composed a story about Kanda trying to rape Allen and Lavi stepping in to save him. Then Kanda got angry and destroyed their clothing with Mugen. Then he tried to force them to let him have his way with both of them. And despite the incredulity of the story, who wouldn't believe such a remarkable pair? They had once again saved themselves by fighting together as a team.

Kanda!" Lenalee yelled. Kanda winced slightly. "I don't care if you're confused or bisexual or have unresolved Mom/Dad issues but can't you leave everyone else out of it?" Kanda looked at the poor Allen who was making mortified and fearing sounds onto Lavi's chest and smiling evilly at him. Lavi seemed to be almost, smirking.

"Lenalee," he growled. "Shut up and listen. Why would I come onto MEN? That Mexican one from before is really Allen, I swear to you; he was the one trying to get into my room! They banded together and threw the carts at me! They took off their old woman suits and got naked while laughing at me."

Allen fanned himself as tears coursed down his cheeks saying, "He's lying! He's lying! He's lying! Oh my God! He can't handle his testicles because he was never taught what they were really for!" Lenalee went to comfort the young man. Lavi smiled evilly with his handsome face competing against Satan by way of malice and tended to his distressed friend.

"Lenalee, listen to me! Doesn't this seem a little bit familiar? They're plotting against me! They're despicable and being fucking retarded!" Kanda claimed like a little boy trying to pin the blame on his friends.

"Are you really going to believe I'm into these kind of men?" Kanda roared loudly.

Allen yelled, "Jesus Christ! Now you try say I'm not handsome?" He fainted falling limp in Lavi's arms.

"Kanda," Lenalee said seeing there was nothing she could do to stabilize the poor young man. "Go clean the mess you made and I don't want to see you back till you've cleaned it all. Then go get new clothes for these two."

Kanda opened his mouth to protest against her but Lenalee shhed him. "Go!" Kanda put Mugen back and went to go clean, grumbling at the injustice of the world.

He turned around quickly. "Okay, then where's Penezuela and Shnerkfa? Huh? Explain that!" Kanda stared at the group triumphantly before a high-pitched voice came from the end of the hall.

"Si? You call for us?" Kanda turned around to see Penezuela and Shnerkfa in the hallway cleaning. Kanda sighed at Lenalee's raised eyebrow and walked away not even wondering how this was possible.

"I'm not a fucking Mexican," Kanda grumbled. Those were the one set of words that were very audible.


End file.
